My dad's here, arrived home a month ago I think? It's dreadful that I forget things like this.
Oh well, all is still good, except for that one time when he snapped at me for no reason at all.
It made me grab a knife that was lying on the table when I went out the kitchen, but my mom followed and I threw the knife quickly. It's nothing personal I know, he's just like that and I think we now know where I got my borderline personality trait genes. I'm not angry at him at all.
What just really shocked me was my response to it. For years when I get agitated, I self-harm by starvation, drinking cough syrup, taking any medicine that's available, or scratching my arms just to get that feeling off my skin. But that's when I'm feeling 'low'. This time though, as hard as I try to just erase the memory of the event, I could not, so everytime I remember it I hate myself more for feeling the way I'm feeling.
For the first time I ate paper, used an object to wound my wrist just enough to scar, stabbed at my arm with the protractor I got a hold of a few times that it was swelling and all yellow after a few days, and hit my arms and leg with a piece of branch I spotted when I went out at the backyard. Honestly didn't know I could do this.
After a few days I was well again, the memory doesn't make me go mental anymore. I was curious so I tried to eat paper again but couldn't do it this time. Everything was just an impulse reaction, because I really am not the type to wound myself.
Anyway, we had a bit of good time though, all of us went to Boracay and Iloilo for the semestral break. Boracay is blessed, and we all wanted to stay longer but we couldn't. Heh, it's so beautiful that I fell in love with it even though I fear beaches and don't like swimming at all, indoors or outdoors.
Also, don't really know what's wrong with me, and I am resenting this a little, because I got both sea sick and airsick. The airsickness is probably due to my fear of flying, although I discovered I don't fear looking out the window when it's nightime and see city lights below.. I'm such a weak person, in mind and in heart, why am I still living huh? :)
Pathetic really, nothing matters.
Well maybe my neice, if I could protect her always. Family, yeah they're still important.
I guess, since I am still here, a bit of playing still matters. Oh yeah, playing WoonRo as well, alongside MyRo.
Oh and, a bit of football, Muse and the hilarious belldom at BBC Radio 2 (can't leave that out), a bit of JYJ news..
... and Ziall fanfictions, LIEK OMG I KNOW I'M SORRY. It's just I'm reminded so much of Junsu, with Niall being like a big baby and it's really cute how he has 4 big brothers when he isn't even the youngest. He's so much like Junsu it hurts.
Well, these are the things that seem to matter everyday for me, at least these days lol.
I've been in a limbo for more than a year and a half.
I envy this guy named Tony, who did a lot of awesome drum covers on Youtube. I liked him when he did Mew's Introducing Palace Players years ago. Yesterday, I learnt he has passed away this January. He had leukemia, and his short life was inspirational. I envy his life, as a war veteran, a drummer, a beloved person by the people he was able to befriend. What a simple meaningful life right?
le sigh..
Every single day, for a person like me, it feels like you're a step closer to heaven or hell.
Heaven, because of the meaningful things you will hopefully do, or Hell because of the things you failed to do all this time.
IKR I just slash and fangirl and suddenly things matter a bit more to me.
Oh and yay for Ajax 2 - 2 City, I waited until somebody told me the news before I check the result myself. I was too scared ahaha.
Thank God, still undefeated at home!!! :DD
Well, we are still alive..
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