a promise

I don't know when the next time I can update or use the internet will be. I can still check on at least marvel studios reddit but there'll be no internet back there. We're going back in a few hours.

Here I promise to stop myself from feeling bad, and stop feeling sorry for myself. It's just my disorder wanting me to feel the victim, by doing something or thinking about something terrible.

I'll still be mindful, and it's not like I want to talk about anything, but I'll just worry about my father when he discovers about what I did with the gun.
There will be lots of time to focus on drawing.
Got me some movies added to my hard drive, some artworks for inspiration, and lots of Stucky/Evanstan fanfics even though I won't be able to read them at all lol. Just the knowledge that I have them is enough.

It was a nice very few weeks, going out with everyone and staying in front of the pc all day.
My one regret and will probably make me cry is not being able to take screenshots of my Tree of Savior characters. T_T
I don't have the game here.

Korean/Japanese/Chinese Stucky/Sebastian twitter fans
H20 & Vanoss crew
r/unresolvedmysteries
r/morbidreality
r/serialkillers
4chan tv
ao3
Jaejoong
Twice
deviantart
luninosity
htp meme
pinterest
magicians on youtube

Thank you for keeping my mind not thinking, it was so bad at times.
I'm gonna miss many but, I have to start drawing.

God, if we'll survive later that would be great. Thank you for everything.

pray to God, i just don't know anymore

I woke up today, and my head feels different.
It's like there's something holding it.
It makes me want to cry.
What happened to you, they ask.
My head.
What time did you sleep?
The usual, my head doesn't hurt.
Drink vitamins, then walk away.

How?
I cry.
Don't know how to cope other than the internet.

I understand, no one has time.
Look, look, it's my illness!
Look at it.

How to tell I still feel anger when I remember the times I wanted to kill myself because of the shop.
How to make them understand that I feel nothing when sometimes I entertain the thoughts of poisoning my father.
There's something wrong with me.

God, Jesus, I'm not angry at them, just sad.
But okay. Okay.


Oh, when the moon was shining bright before mornin' 
I made a deal with the stars to keep holdin' 
Shinin' bright to come and bring me back home 
The lights in my eyes, they disappeared 
The visions in my mind are enough to keep me from fear 
I won't let it hold me down 
The other way around

a plan

Sometime ago I believed that I love my family enough to die for them, and it occurred to me that I should view it differently. If I love them enough I should live for them.

Man that's hard. I am poison to them.
I don't even know if I love my family.
My ugly self that they don't want to see, is someone who tells me that they should not deserve my happy self as well.
It's like I'm punishing them. It's weird and this is wrong.
I hope to not forget, but I certainly will, sure of it.

So my plan is to really be alone.
I have to, it's the only answer. There's probably no cure for NPD.
We don't have therapists like in the U.S., I think.
Besides, no one wants to acknowledge it's inside me.

The more perceived flaws I see in my family, the more I hate them.
What's wrong with me? They don't deserve that. They're normal people.
I am toxic and I should be alone.
Stop blaming them, even if they don't want to see.
Stop protecting myself from them.
What I did was very bad, no excuses.

...so be independent, emotionally and physically.
Somehow, I want to do it through art.
Someday it will happen.
God help me, I want to try living without hurting anyone.

I did something terrible

In my anger I rushed to the room, locked myself after a while because no one, not one would help and calm me down. I was fed up, of getting angry, of getting misunderstood, of no one relating. In my  warped view I've tried and keep failing, to be a normal family member.

Taking the gun like I usually do (sometimes it's a knife or a rope), because I went to my mom's room since there's no other places to safely go, I felt better and calm. So calm I don't know what came over me, I wanted to pull the trigger for real, so easy. I kept playing with it with the magazine loaded, click click click, staring at the wall. 

Stupid me asked the devil to say something, because I know it's there and waiting. I said that if there's no hell to be afraid of it's easy to kill myself. And the more it keeps quiet, the more I believe the devil's real. Then suddenly I woke up, my eyes were closed I think, because I felt it open and see smoke. The smell of gunpowder and the loud ringing in my ears. I felt my finger pull the trigger and then another shot. The ringing was louder than the gun going off. The smell was so strong. I felt like my head and body was floating, I was pretty sure I didn't cock the gun. And until now I don't remember cocking it. 

I was amazed.

Everyone was downstairs, and my sister came up angry. I didn't immediately open the door because she was hysterical. They probably expected me to be remorseful and crying.

I wasn't. 

How do you explain that to them? I was sorry sure, but the gun went off when I don't remember cocking it. What happened, I lost time briefly. 

But they expected a different reaction from me, so she probably got angrier and then I got angry too.

I'm like, yeah I get you, you're scared and angry but look, something happened and I didn't mean to.

She said some hurtful things and hit me, and I said some back because.. who else knows what's really happening  in my head at that time. I'm always on protection mode, protecting my feelings, it's selfish.

I understand they were scared, at the same time I'm angry at them.

They all left me at Manduriao and went to Villa, the others went to Plazuela for my mom's business because it was a Saturday maybe? Was it Saturday?

My mom was miles away, in another island. 

They left me for a week, with few food and no money. I resented that they left the dogs again. AGAIN. They don't understand when I get upset and angry when they leave the dogs. How do you rationally and reasonably explain that I feel anger every time they forget about the dogs? 

I didn't eat for 5 or 6 days, but there was caramelized milk, a biscuit, uncooked noodles in between. I fed all the noodles and the canned sardines to the dogs. 

Before my parents came back I was forced to go out and buy noodles with the coins I found. There was no stove because they took it when they left.

I understand their reaction, to flee, but to not think about the dogs? They've been doing that before this happened  and they did it again, proved my demented view of them right, that I was right. (I wish for my mind and my feelings that I'm wrong with my bad perception of people around me, but when things happen a part of myself feels smug saying 'I knew it.')

I couldn't accept that, until now I still feel angry though I want to forget.

There were a lot of things realized. I am guilty but I don't regret it. 

To me the most important one was the devil, it's real enough that I don't want to kill myself anymore even though I wanted to when I was alone, until now I want to. 

But I also want to live and paint, draw, share stories of pain and suffering, from me and my family.

I know that people around me suffer too because of my outbursts. But no one wants to help me, the help I need so I blame them.

I blame them because they are willingly blind, I've been warring with myself for a long time and in the end I soothe myself with my own thoughts. It's difficult when they don't want to recognize, something's wrong with me why can't you see it?

They don't want to deal with my ugly self and it's devastating because I feel alone. No one wants to deal with me and frankly you can't blame people for that. But they're family, they were supposed to be family.

I'm sorry, sorry for putting you all through this.

I want to die but I can't.

Why did this happen? My dad doesn't know. I'm scared when he finds out.

I wrote a letter to my sister the day after saying sorry and I didn't tell what really happened. No one wants to know.

I told my mom but I keep feeling rejection. It's so hard to explain. I know, I know, I did something terrible. It's a crime. But don't they wanna know why?

Yes it's selfish, I can't think right anymore. I want to talk, I keep trying. My mom, dad, my youngest brother and me came back here in our old home, very far. I have a brother here and we talked, he is sensible and he empathizes with all of us but it's not enough.

They reject my issues and disorders, it's so hard. They just want to move on. I want to as well but please, talk to me. I can't think right anymore.

I feel so unwanted and I deserve it. But please look at the monster that I am, don't ignore it. I'm scared of what I'll do next. Please help. Don't ignore.

Feeling like a villain and a victim at the same time, I want to stop thinking. Stop me. Stop me from hating you. What do I do?
I hurt my family. I know I'm supposed to feel bad but there's nothing besides anger that I want to forget. Now what?

edit:

I was diagnosed with NPD when I was in college. No one told us what it meant. No one told us what it would do, what I can do.
I've forgotten about it, because there was no sense of the gravity of the disorder.
Reading a bit now, rediscovering what NPD really means, it gives clarity. It makes so much sense.
Too bad no one wants to hear about it.
And it's okay I understand now.
I have to.. help myself, on my own.

my dream

Someday, to finally have to courage to kill myself, and everything that comes along with that courage.
After doing something, when I feel that I've done alright, when I'm alone and no one will be bothered.
I hope by that time I'd have been able to live on my own, with lots of drawings and paintings.
That day I won't be angry, maybe a bit sad, bit happy too.
I want to die like that.
I'd thank God for allowing me to live, and apologize for being selfish.
I'll most certainly go to hell.

It's ironic because my blog title says otherwise but, suicide because I think I'm ready is different from suicide because I'm angry.
So, I dunno, might even die tomorrow.