For the Lenten season we went for a confession. I really didn't know what to confess, although there's many it would just sound insincere. So I asked the priest about what was bothering me more and more lately, about my anger.
He was young and very patient; asked me liked a psychiatrist. I told him what I feel is rage, for every little thing that I don't like and it makes me guilty. Angry at everyone and at myself for feeling that way.
We got to the bottom of it and we learned that it stemmed from my childhood. It surprised me, it was a revelation and everything just clicked.
My anger had become my defense mechanism when my dad was around. He had terrible temper and would use it to discipline us. Thinking about it now, there were two ways he dealt with me, my brothers and my sister - buy us nice stuff and then get angry at us. It was in high school when I suddenly learned to fight back.
It probably looks ridiculous how I fought back then, not like a girl haha. There was one time when he hit me and I was so shocked I stood up and pulled on his top and ripped it open, while shouting 'come on, do it again! do it again!' My mom was there in an instant and he could have hit me again but he didn't.¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We always fought whenever he's at home, up until now. He was like a villain to us, yet we forgive him because we're family. We understand him, that he can't control his anger. What can we do anyway, he's the provider.
But sometimes he's just so unreasonable, oh wait, it's most of the time actually. That time, I also got angry at mama because I felt that she should stop him. Well she probably did try I guess.
I also raged instantly when he would get angry at my brothers. When I was young there was nothing I could do but keep silent while he hurt them, old school discipline for the win!
And then I learned to fight, and would shield my brothers and sister from him, diverting his attention so we could fight again haha. The priest said, my anger empowered me. It made me feel victorious.
And he's right, it was like having Sauron's the One Ring. It gave me power that I can use over my angry father, used it every time to defend myself, until it consumed me and anger was the only answer to everything.
If someone shouts at me I shout louder, punched the wall harder, spoke harsher. In the end I would also use it to emotionally hurt my mom and my brothers. I would say sorry after of course, because my guilt punishes me for it. Unreasonable. It's really horrible to feel that way, when it comes to a point a person would hate his self so much to push him to suicide. But yeah, can't do that.
Talking to the nice priest gave me answers, and I'm really really happy. He said our meeting must have meant to happen, I agreed and told him I didn't want to come at first because I wasn't feeling really well earlier that day. And even before confession time I felt extremely dizzy and nauseous for some reason. It went away quick after lol.
Thank God. If the confession didn't happen, the feeling to change and fight myself instead would not be priority. I would have just accepted my anger and let it fester inside me, more than it already has. And I would have defended myself by saying that my anger is what I am.
It was so relieving.
After that clarity I just felt.. free. Many days have passed and I haven't felt angry again. Finally.
Talking to my brother Julius has revealed he also felt anger, but it's good that it hasn't escalated yet. It's horrible to think that he could be like that to his children as well, just as what my grandfather probably was with papa. My dad clearly has issues and will surely never be solved, even now he vents his anger at mama. I pity him, stubborn and prideful as he is. He makes his life miserable, and makes ours as well. He's like a child that he's good when he's good, and when he's bad he's just horrid. But what we can we do right?
We'll stick together.
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