Yesterday I hated everyone. Why can't I understand that people can't be controlled?
Why can't I understand life is both happiness and disappointments?
Why is it so hard to accept life?
I know, here I'm still alive, but I don't think I really chose life anyway, it's just not dying.
So weak it's embarrassing.
I don't have a dream or a plan, can't see anything. It's like if I win the lottery I'll just give it away. Nothing to do, just pay for games probably. Not even to travel.
When I said I don't want to die anymore it baffles me because it's so easy to turn back and give up just breathing. All feelings and reasoning disappear.
I wanted to die because it doesn't matter.
There was a point yesterday that hell feels so near yet I didn't care, to hurt God maybe.
I don't understand, I know He's up there yet I'm angry and reject Him. Why?
This arrogance and anger in me is a monster that I let take over just because.
Right now? It's okay to not die yet because there's an event in fucking Tree of Savior.
How do I function without games or the internet?
Can't go out anymore, nor meet people, because I treat everyone with disdain and suspicion.
What is this? I reject everything and it's fine.
I'm just.. I get troubled when I realize again and again how weak I really am, or reminded how it's impossible to let people understand, or the reality of being the living embodiment of Mr. Scrooge.
People hate me and I hate them. My family also probably hates me from time to time they just couldn't get rid of me.
Don't worry I know the feeling.
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