now what?

From stories, and history, the often price of freedom is death and war, paid by the heroes.
But living freely, is also to live in fear I learned.
Even when I was a child, I wanted freedom, to do what I want to do but as we all realize when we grow up, it's not how life is.
..but what do I do? I haven't grown up at all..
I am learning to hate this free world, where we should try to live as selfless as we can and all I did was live for my self.
And people tried to live as best as they can, with discipline and control, but as long as we're alive nothing is enough. We're still selfish.

I don't know how to live. I am free, to do everything even though we have limitations.
But I don't know how to handle freedom.
So much has been given to me, and neither do I deserve it nor know how to be responsible for it.

That's why I like games, rpgs, because it's not a free life. The characters have their own role to follow, and they fight and fight, with a purpose. To live or die for it, they have a beautiful story.
While I.. from a very young age tried and broke free from conformity and restraints in every chance there was, only to end up lost and uncertain.
I did it because I found this reality.. dissatisfying.

This is the price of my freedom..

What will I live for now?

Dear God, will You forgive us because we didn't know the real price of freedom?
Control my life for me, show me how to live to the fullest, using the gifts you've given me, to do something..
Because if not, I'll be left here trying my best to live as happily as I can, surrounding myself with games, manga's, stories.. all for myself. I might paint and draw, but again it's for myself.
I've become so weak, I don't know what to do.

For the current me, it wants to be left alone.
So.. do I work hard to be left alone?
It's selfish right? But it's going to be my goal now, nothing matters.. so Heavenly Father stop me if it's not Your will.