life-changing

I'm dating this on my mother's birthday.
Shes almost 60, been there my whole life. I've had many bad thoughts as recent as this year, that I've felt I could kill almost anyone including her, only because I'm angry and think I'm okay alone. They don't deserve any of my anger. They deserve long peaceful lives.
At this time I'm very sorry.
How many more years will I be with her?
Will I even reach 60?
It's been maybe 5 or 6 years since I've truly fallen in this hole and yet it feels so fast like yesterday. My whole 29 years feels so short.

The only immediate reactions I have with circumstances are anger and/or death (in my thoughts at least). I acknowledge I'm a suicidal Catholic, it's very hard.
I've wanted to be dead for so long but can't act on it.
To have faith and yet give up is constant war.

When I thought of my mom and my own wasted life and inevitability of dying, a question came through my mind, haha.
Am I even ready to die?
Have I done enough in life? Just good things, kind things?

Yeah, I don't think so. No, I'm not ready. It's hard but I don't want to die yet.
And I choose to describe this as liberating.
And I love my mother. She deserves more from me.