a reminder

I suddenly have a new appreciation for the film Babadook.
Last night while I suffered from a minor panic attack (that made me run to the safety of my room because it's another trigger for a bigger attack, like fear of a giant building collapsing in itself from small cracks), it clicked to me that I could also relate the mother's mental illness/grief to my anger. Dunno why I thought of that film tbh.
One of my fears right now is getting angry too much.
It's like there's a healthy dose of irritability every working day, and too much makes me feel shitty and destructive.

It was like sucker punch, because I thought I was doing good, and then I slipped and vented through complaining, and people close to me misunderstood.
Tried to rationalize by telling me there must have been things I'm doing (that I thought was right as much as I could do right, the least or the best that I could) to make people do what they do, and then sudden resignation because I'm reminded I couldn't make them understand extreme introversion.
It's funny because I myself already know that triggering instances aren't personal attacks at all, I already know! Just wanted to tell them what I'm feeling and why, but then telling me I must be doing something as the cause, wow. It's my fault again. Stupid, stupid.

The blow was that no one will really understand. And even though at a young age I've already decided to be uncommitted including friendships offline and online, it's still saddening that even my family won't be able to just know.
So it was sobering that I have to pick up myself again, try to gain control of my anger and issues, and check myself every working morning, just like the mother in the movie, because I will forever live with this and my monster will never go away.